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Just Because you Can…. Don’t Do It!

September 9, 2018April 28, 2020 Lancelot Quadras 36 Comments

Don’t do it! An ode to a dream that opened my eyes!

On this Sunday morning, I woke up to a dream where I did something which was surprising. I don’t remember the backdrop or even the people in it. All I remember is fighting with one of my friends. There are some people in the background whose faces I fail to recollect now.

We are arguing over something very petty but things get heated. While fighting he reminds me of something bad I did earlier. That hurts! I too can do the same and dig up some dirt of his past and put it up on display in front of everyone. But I don’t.

Why did I not do that?

This is the thought I woke up to. There are so many ways I could have humiliated him. There were so many things I could have told to make him shut his mouth and sulk in one corner. There was a lot I could do. But I didn’t. There is just one answer to it. The answer is “I chose to look at the argument more than my anger“.

Yes, my near and dear ones know that I get angry very quickly. The slightest hint of conflict makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think positively and things don’t go right. But recently I’ve begun doing a simple task… “Listening”. I realized that if I don’t do it, then it’s time to listen.

Yes, please try this. 95% of your conflicts and anger issues and even over thinking ends the minute you begin to listen. There are so many moments where just because I waited patiently and listened, everything fell into place without any negativity.

What is this “Listening”?

The listening here is to understand the situation and then find the solution. You don’t have to find something hurtful to say back always. Just because you know you can;

Win the argument
You have the gun
You have the ace in the pack

That doesn’t mean you need to use it. Don’t do it! Sometimes being silent and thinking calmly can avoid a catastrophe. Now mind you, I’m not talking about every situation. The situation here is about a normal or petty argument that elevates to a heated argument. Usually, it can end well when at least one party thinks calmly. If not, then just because of a petty argument turning wild, relationships crack, friendships break and you become a wreck on a wreck.

There are a few people I adore in my life during my college years. When in an argument I spoke some hurtful things, they kept silent until I was done barking. Once I turned silent, they’d explain themselves. It made sense to me and I’d apologize to them. Then I would feel shitty about how I treated them.

In some ways, I have tried to be a better person since them and always think about the other person and their situation before drawing a conclusion. It’s a work in progress but I’m sure to be a better person someday!

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Here are my past posts for the A to Z Challenge

When You Don’t Answer the Call

July 17, 2018July 17, 2018 Lancelot Quadras Leave a comment

How many times has it happened that you call someone and they don’t pick up your call? What if the trend keeps continuing with an average of more than twice a week? Does that become a cause of worry? Do you get insecure?

Let me tell you what I do.

I FREAK OUT! Even if it is for a while, I freak out when my favorite humans don’t return my calls. I have a good patience level in these matters. I understand that everyone is busy and are juggling with priorities. These priorities leave little or no time for them to utilize in a conversation with me. But what I certainly don’t or cannot understand is the fact that why would it take someone more than a week to respond back?

Yes, I can logically and emotionally understand your perspective but not getting even 2 minutes out of an entire week cannot be justified unless something drastic has happened. It is not easy staying positive during this time as the insecurity builds at a rapid place. You are very likely to react in a very bad way and end up arguing with that person. That won’t end well.

I agree you want to vent out your disappointment and anger that they could not even provide you with the basic attention of 2 minutes. You expected something and they could not deliver. That hurts.

What you can do?

Well, for starters, not being angry is the main motto. Not raising your voice is the second. You can let the other person know that you are upset in a very civil tone. I know it takes time. (Believe me when I say this… I could have gotten angry earlier at the drop of a hat).

But please talk to that person whenever they call back. Remember that when you avoid them as a mode of payback, they might not understand. There will be a broken bridge between you two. Also, try thinking from their perspective as well. Give them the benefit of doubt. And finally, if you want to talk to someone or miss them, give them a call. Do not think it makes you look desperate or needy. Do not bring your ego in front. If you miss the person or want to talk to them, you give them a call or drop them a text. It’s totally their decision to answer or delay their response. But if you like them and their company, call them every time.

What gives you strength to reduce anger?

July 16, 2018July 16, 2018 Lancelot Quadras Leave a comment

I had been for the Sunday mass and the priest happened to talk about anger and illness. One line stood out in that sermon; “What gives you strength to reduce the anger?” That’s how a thought lingered on my mind and hence I’m sharing it with you guys.

It’s July 2018. Time is running faster than Usain Bolt ever could. I can just remember thinking about my new year’s resolution like it was just a week ago. Anyway, living in Mumbai, the pace of life is on full acceleration. People are hustling and bustling from north to south just to make ends meet. I have noticed something else that has been accelerating along with our fast paced life. That element is Anger!

Yes, our understanding level has been so fragile lately that everyone around us takes a lot of effort to stay happy but can get angry on the drop of a hat. There can be many reasons and possibilities which can justify this anger. But instead of letting it out in a dignified way, anger has a way of turning you into a savage who is dressed up well and is literate enough to use cuss words in different languages.

Some times when an event takes place, the outcome gives us pain and hurt, we react and the outburst can be civil or not. There is also an event when you just get angry for no reason or for a reason which is not worth being angry about.

How do you tackle that situation?

How do you get out of that negative zone?

What gives you strength to not be angry and think of it in a calm mind?

Let me tell you what I do:

I get angry very quickly. If some event had to take place, I’d think of how to get payback. How I would make them pay and one day they’d wish that I would forgive them. I’d put myself as a hero who is in pain and depict them as villains who have wronged me.

But then, it’s a habit I have always followed. I try thinking from the other’s perspective and also how a third party would react to this. Almost 90% of the times, I come out of my anger phase very quickly. I laugh on the stupid thoughts I had few moments ago. I actually realize that had I gone ahead and given those people a piece of my mind, the relation would develop a crack. I thank the lord and the 1% of good consciousness in me that allowed me to think before jumping.

Here’s what I do in such situations. What do you do in situations like these? What gives you strength to not be angry?

I am Okay – An ode to our biggest Lie

June 30, 2018June 30, 2018 Lancelot Quadras Leave a comment

How are you?

I am okay/fine.

This is the most fake conversation you are bound to have many times during your lifetime. Yes, think about it. How many times have you used this phrase without speaking the truth? We are stressed, tired, irritated, angry, disappointed but we will say that we are fine.

Why do we lie?

Firstly the main reason for doing this is because we want to dodge the next conversation that will happen the moment we say “I’m not okay/fine”. Also, we don’t like sharing our feeling at that very moment with everyone. That is a right thing to do but it’s a small burden you carry lying around people telling them you are fine when you’re not. The people around you will go around their business and will talk normally. They wouldn’t know the storm brewing inside you. They also wouldn’t be able to figure out that you’re crying from the inside.

Why would they?

You just said that you’re fine.

Instead of doing all this, why don’t you start to tell the people around you about what you feel. Yes, you don’t need to tell them exactly what the issue is. Just say the words “I am not okay. It’s something I’m dealing with which I cannot discuss”.

Speaking like this helps. First, the people around you are conscious of the fact that you’re not okay. Hence the way they speak will change. If you have a comfort friend, talk to him/her and get it out of your chest. Keeping the storm inside of you won’t stop anything. It is just a delay. This delay will result into a catastrophe someday!

If you cannot divulge any details, it’s fine.

But don’t lie when asked, “Are you okay?”

Okay?

Z is for Zealot – A to Z Challenge 2018

April 30, 2018April 30, 2018 Lancelot Quadras 4 Comments

Z is for Zealot which means passionate in the pursuit of anything.

The A-Z Challenge comes to an end with the letter Z. For the entirety of this series I chose words from A-Z which were not only unusual and rare but also words which would help make your life better in every way. Hence it deems fit that I choose the last word Zealot which means to be passionate in whatever you do.

Life without passion is like life without oxygen. At some point you will start suffocating. At that time either you will suffer and die OR you will do something to survive. Hence it’s best to never stop doing what you like. You surely know few who are corporate slaves by morning and are either budding writers/musicians/etc by night. It’s passion that gives life meaning. I know thinking practical is what everyone does. So, let’s think practically but let’s also not forget to keep that kid within you happy. You like reading, writing, singing, dancing, art, weaving etc whatever it is you like, keep doing it. Some say it breathes new air into their body. For some, it’s a part time profession. And finally some take the leap of faith and turn it into their profession.

When it comes to doing any kind of work, do have the passion. It changes you as a person. Household chores also when completed give you a sense of satisfaction when done right. Give it your 100% and the result will warm your heart and bring a smile to your face. Never stop learning. That’s how we evolve and get better in life. There are no shortcuts. Just make sure to keep no barriers on inhibitions while learning something new. Yes, you’ll fail and also make a joke out of yourself but every day you learn, you will definitely get better.